Quicksurf Internet Media

1. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now.
3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
4. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
5. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
6. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
7. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
8. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
9. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
10. A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
11. The wingspan of the B-36, an retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.
12. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
13. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
14. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
15. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
16. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
17. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first ‘Marlboro Man’.
18. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
19. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
20. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
21. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.
22. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
23. Pearls melt in vinegar.
24. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
25. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
26. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
27. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.
28. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
29. Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.” The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
30. Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table and to Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”

“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan.

“The bottle has a hole in it!”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan.

“And it’s missing three keys,”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

…Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

…And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t.

…She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

…I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back…

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Houston. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made this remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that is exactly what you did to my luggage last year.”

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland said to the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me?… Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”… Next!”

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

I have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting ‘The Purina Diet’ again, although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I’d been poisoned.

I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the black guy was going to have to stagger out the door, he was laughing so hard.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed; “Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpappa, I really don’t lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?”

“Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You maybe gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe even a couple a bambinos.”

“Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then . . . pointa to you watch and say ‘Timesa up?’”

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, just in front of him the light turned yellow. He did the right thing, stopping a the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant,she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.”

“I assumed you had stolen the car.”

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00. The Patrolman was dumbfounded.

“This equipment must be broken,” exclaimed the Patrolman.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the Designated Decoy.”

Two men dressed in pilot’s uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will surely plough right into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands and it was all just a joke.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”